Understanding Men

UNDERSTANDING MEN:

"IT'S A GUY THING"
Translated: "There is no rational thought pattern
connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"
Translated: "Why isn't it already on the table?"

"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR"
Translated: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned
response.

"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"
Translated: "I have no idea how it works."

"I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND."
Translated: "That girl standing on the corner is a
real babe."

"TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD."
Translated: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum
cleaner."

"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."
Translated: "Are you still talking?"

"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."
Translated: "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot our anniversary."

"I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES."
Translated: "The girl selling them on the corner
was a real babe."

"OH, DON'T FUSS - I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT'S NO BIG DEAL."
Translated: "I have actually severed a limb, but
will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt."

"I CAN'T FIND IT."
Translated: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"
Translated: "What did you catch me at?"

"I HEARD YOU."
Translated: "I haven't the foggiest clue what you
just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next three days yelling at me."

"YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE."
Translated: "I am used to the way you yell at me,
and realize it could be worse."

"YOU LOOK TERRIFIC."
Translated: "Oh, please don't try on one more
outfit, I'm starving."

"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."
Translated: "No one will ever see us alive again."

Understanding Woman

UNDERSTANDING WOMEN

A Woman's Vocabulary, Keywords and Meanings (as taken from an interview with a woman)

FINE
This is the word we use at the end of any argument in which we feel we are right, but need to shut you up. NEVER use 'Fine' to describe how a woman looks. This will cause you to have one of those
arguments.

FIVE MINUTES
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five
minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so I feel that it's an even trade.

NOTHING
This means something and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing"
usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine".

GO AHEAD (with raised eyebrows)
This is a dare. One that will result in a woman
getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine".

GO AHEAD (normal eyebrows)
This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care". You will get a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in
about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.

LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is still often a
verbal statement very misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing".

SOFT SIGH
Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. "Soft
Sighs" are one of the few things that some men actually understand. She is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe and she will stay
content.

OH
This word followed by any statement is trouble.
Example; "Oh, let me get that". Or, "Oh, I talked to him about what you were doing last night". If she says "Oh" before a statement, run, do not walk, to the nearest exit. She will tell you that she is "Fine"
when she is done tossing your clothes out the window, but do not expect her to talk to you for at least 2 days. "Oh" as the lead-in to a sentence usually signifies that you are caught in a lie. Do not try to lie more to get out of it, or you will get raised eyebrows and a "Go ahead," followed by acts so unspeakable that I can't bring myself to write about them.

THAT'S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a
woman can say to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before visiting on you major retribution and tribulations for what ever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and used in conjunction with a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead". At some point in the near future when she has plotted and planned, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.

PLEASE DO
This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is
giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance to tell the
truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's
Okay".

THANKS
A woman is thanking you. Do not faint, just say you're welcome.

THANKS A LOT
This is much different than "Thanks". A woman will
say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh". Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud
Sigh", as she will only tell you "Nothing".

What a woman wants in a man

What a Woman Wants in a Man in different ways:

What I Want In A Man
-----------------------------------
1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially Successful
4. A Caring Listener
5. Witty
6. In Good Shape
7. Dresses with Style
8. Appreciates the Finer Things
9. Full of Thoughtful Surprises
10. An Imaginative, Romantic Lover

What I Want In A Man
-----------------------------------
1. Nice Looking - preferably with hair on his head
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner at restaurant
4. Listens more than he talks
5. Laughs at my jokes at appropriate times
6. Can carry in all the groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home cooked meal
9. Remembers Birthdays and Anniversaries
10. Seeks romance at least once a week

What I Want In A Man
----------------------------------
1. Not too ugly - bald head OK
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady - splurges on dinner at McDonalds on occasion
4. Nods head at appropriate times when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers the punchlines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Usually wears shirt that covers stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat lid down
10. Shaves on most weekends

What I Want In A Man
----------------------------------
1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed to appropriate length
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep while I'm emoting
5. Doesn't re-tell same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on Weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV Dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves on some weekends

What I Want In A Man
----------------------------------
1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when awake (LOUDLY when asleep)
5. Doesn't forgets why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers when...

How to make women happy

How To Make Women Happy...
The Point System
(advice according to women)

In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the game is played.

Simple Duties:
You make the bed (+1)
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows (0)
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets (-1)

You leave the toilet seat up (-5)
You replace the toilet paper roll when it is empty (0)
When the toilet paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex (-1)
When the Kleenex runs out you use the next bathroom (-2)

You go out to buy her extra-light panty liners with wings (+5)
In the snow (+8)
But return with beer (-5)

You check out a suspicious noise at night (0)
You check out a suspicious noise and it is nothing (0)
You check out a suspicious noise and it is something (+5)
You pummel it with a six iron (+10)
It's her pet (-10)

Social Engagements At a Party:
You stay by her side the entire party (0)
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college drinking buddy (-2)
Named Tiffany (-4)
Tiffany is a dancer (-6)
Tiffany has implants (-8)

Her Birthday:
You take her out to dinner (0)
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar (+1)
Okay, it is a sports bar (-2)
And it's all-you-can-eat night (-3)
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted in all of the colors of your favorite sports team (-10)

A Night Out With the Boys:
Go with a pal (-5)
The pal is happily married (-4)
Or frighteningly single (-7)
And he drives a Mustang (-10)
With a personalized license plate that reads GR8 N BED (-15)

A Night Out:
You take her to a movie (+2)
You take her to a movie she likes (+4)
You take her to a movie you hate (+6)
You take her to a movie you like (-2)
It's called DeathCop 9 (-3)
Which features cyborgs that eat humans (-9)
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15)

Your Physique:
You develop a noticeable potbelly (-15)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it (+10)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts (-30)
You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too." (-800)

Communication: When she wants to talk about a problem:
You listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression (0)
You listen, for over 30 minutes (+5)
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV (+100)
She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep (-20)


The Big Question: She asks, "Do I look fat?"
You hesitate in responding (-10)
You reply, "Where?" (-35)
Any other response (-20)

Meanings of Love Flowers and Trees

Meanings of Flowers and Trees:

Acacia - Chaste Love

Acacia (pink) - Elegance

Acacia (rose) - Friendship, platonic love

Acacia (yellow) - secret love

Acanthus - Artifice, the fine arts

Aloe - Religious superstition

Allspice - Compassion

Almond (flowering) - Hope

Almond tree - Indescretion

Alyssum (sweet) - Worth beyond beauty

Amaranth - Immortality

Amaranth (globe) - Unfading love

Amaryllis - Pride, splendid beauty, timidity

Ambrosia - Love returned

Amethyst - Admiration

Anemone - Expectation, sickness

Anemone (garden) - Forsaken

Angelica - Inspiration

Apple - Temptation

Apple blossom - preference

Ash tree - Grandeur

Ash (mountain) - Prudence

Aspen tree - Lamentation

Aster - Variety

Auricula - Importune me not

Auricula (scarlet) - Avarice

Azalea - Temperance; love; romance

Baby's breath posies - Gentleness, everylasting love

Bachelor's buttons - Single blessedness

Balm - Sympathy

Balm of Gilead - Cure

Balsam - Ardent love

Balsam (red) - Impatient yet resolved to win your love

Balsam (yellow) - Impatience

Barberry - Sharpness

Basil (common) - Hatred

Basil (sweet) - Good wishes

Bay leaf - Consistency, I change but in death

Bay tree - Glory

Bay wreath - Reward of merit

Beech tree - Prosperity

Begonia - Dark thoughts

Bell flower - Gratitude

Belladonna - Silence

Bindweed (Great) - Insinuation

Bindweed (Small) - Humility

Birch Tree - Gracefulness, meekness

Bittersweet - Truth

"I Love You" in many Languages

Afrikaans : Ek Is Lief Vir Jou : Ek Het Jou Lief

Albanian : te dua : te dashuroj

Alentejano(Portugal) : Gosto de ti

Alsacien : Ich hoan dich gear

Amharic : Afekrishalehou

Arabic (formal) : Ooheboki (male to female) : Ooheboka (female to male)

Armenian : Es kez siroum em : Es zes siroum em : Es siroum em kez : Es siroum em zes

Assamese : Moi tomak bhal pau

Basque : Maite zaitut Batak : Holong rohangku di ho

Bavarian : I mog di narrisch gern Belorussian : Ya kahayu tabe

Bengali : Aami tomaake bhaalo baashi : Ami tomay bhalobashi : Ami tomake bahlobashi

Berber : Lakh tirikh Bicol : Namumutan ta ka

Bolivian Quechua : Qanta munani

Brazilian : Amo te

Bulgarian : Obicham te : As te obeicham : As te obicham

Burmese : Chit pa de

Cambodian : Kh_nhaum soro_lahn nhee_ah : Bon sro lanh oon

Canadian French : Sh'teme (spoken, sounds like this) : Je t'aime ("I like you") : Je t'adore ("I love you")

Catalan : T'estim (Mallorcan) : T'estime (Valencian) : T'estimo

Catalonian) : T'estim molt ("I love you a lot")

Cebuano : Gihigugma ko ikaw

Chamoru (or Chamorro) : Hu guaiya hao Chichewa : Ndimakukonda

Chickasaw : Chiholloli (first 'i' nasalized)

Chinese : Wo Ai Ni (Manderin) : Wuo Ai Nee ( " ) : Moi Oiy Neya (Cantonese) : Ngo Oi Lei ( " )

Croatian : ljubim te

Czech : Miluji Te : MILUJU TE! (colloquial form)

Danish : Jeg elsker dig

Dutch : Ik Hou Van Jou

Ecuador Quechua : canda munani

English : I love you : I adore you

Estonian : Mina Armastan Sind

Esperanto : Mi amas sin

Farsi : Tora Dust Midaram : Asheghetam

Farsi (Persian) : Doostat Daram

Filipino : Mahal Kita : Iniibig ako

Finnish : Minä Rakastan Sinua

Flemish : Ik Hou Van Jou Ik Bemin Je Ik Heb U Lief

French : Je T'aime

Friesian : Ik Hou Fan Dei

Gaelic : Ta Gra Agam Ort

German : Ich liebe Dich

Greek : s'ayapo (spoken s'agapo, 3rd letter is lower case 'gamma')

Greek (old) : (Ego) Philo Su (ego, for emphasis)

Greenlandic : Asavakit

Gujrati : Hoon Tane Pyar Karoochhoon.

Hausa : Ina Sonki

Hawaiian : Aloha I'a Au Oe

Hebrew : Anee Oheivet Otkha (female to male) : Anee Oheiv Otakh (male to female) : Ani Ohev Otakh (male to female) : Ani Ohevet Otkha (female to male)

Hindi : Mai tumase pyar karata hun (male to female) : Mai tumase pyar karati hun (female to male) : Main Tumse Prem Karta Hoon : Mai Tumhe Pyar Karta Hoon : Main Tumse Pyar Karta Hoon. : Mai Tumse Peyar Karta Hnu. Hokkien : Wa Ai Lu Hopi : Nu' Umi Unangwa'ta

Hungarian : Szeretlek Te'ged : Szeretlek

Love Quotes

"A mighty pain to love it is, and 'tis a pain that pain to miss; but of all the pains, the greatest pain is to love, but love in vain."
-Abraham Crowley

"So much of what we know of love we learn at home."
-unknown

"You don't marry someone you can live with - you marry the person who you cannot live without."
-unknown

"Love is blind, but friendship closes its eyes."
-unknown

"Life has taught us that love does not consist in gazing at each other but in looking outward together in the same direction."
-Saint-Exupery

"A kiss is a lovely trick designed by nature to stop speech when words become superfluous."
-Ingrid Bergman

"Love built on beauty, soon as beauty, dies."
-John Donne

"He that falls in love with himself will have no rivals."
-Benjamin Franklin

"I never knew how to worship until I knew how to love."
-Henry Ward Beecher

"Woe to the man whose heart has not learned while young to hope, to love - and to put its trust in life."
-Joseph Conrad

"True love is like ghosts, which everybody talks about and few have seen."
-La Rochefoucauld

"Who ever loved that loved not at first sight?"
-Christopher Marlowe

"Tell me whom you love and I will tell you who you are."
-Houssaye

"We perceive when love begins and when it declines by our embarrassment when alone together."
-La Bruyere

"Better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all."
-St. Augustine

"To love another person is to see the face of God."
-Les Miserables

"Love is but the discovery of ourselves in others, and the delight in the recognition."
-Alexander Smith

"When we are in love we often doubt that which we most believe."
-La Rochefoucauld

"Sympathy constitutes friendship; but in love there is a sort of antipathy, or opposing passion. Each strives to be the other, and both together make up one whole."
-Samuel Taylor Coleridge

"Friendship often ends in love; but love in friendship - never."
-Charles Caleb Colton

"The richest love is that which submits to the arbitration of time."
-Lawrence Durrell

"There is no disguise which can hide love for long where it exists, or simulate it where it does not."
-La Rochefoucauld

"A very small degree of hope is sufficient to cause the birth of love."
-Stendhal

"There is no remedy for love but to love more."
-Thoreau

"Blushing is the color of virtue."
-Diogenes

"Death is a challenge. It tells us not to waste time... It tells us to tell each other right now that we love each other."
-Leo F. Buscaglia

"Love cures people - both the ones who give it and the ones who receive it."
-Dr. Karl Menninger

"Spread love everywhere you go: first of all in your own house. Give love to your children, to your wife or husband, to a next door neighbor... Let no one ever come to you without leaving better and happier. Be the living expression of God's kindness; kindness in your face, kindness in your eyes, kindness in your smile, kindness in your warm greeting."
-Mother Theresa